BREAKING: Ted Woodward Contract Extended

ORONO (April 1, 2014) – Breaking news from the University of Maine campus in Orono hints at a record-breaking contract extension for Men’s Basketball Head Coach, Ted Woodward.  According to sources close to the Athletic Department, the deal is for $15 million over 12 years, with a University-held option for an additional five years.

 
Sources in the Athletic Department were “just overly impressed at the loyalty of Ted’s players,” said a Fill The Steins tipster.  “When calls started to come for Ted’s dismissal, well, Ted’s players just got up and left the school entirely.  It was clear that a message had to be sent.”
 
Strong signals are that the Black Bears’ win against NAIA member Fisher College set the wheels in motion for what will be the second richest contract in University history, falling short of only Theatre Professor Art Vandelay’s $2 million annual salary.  
 
“It wasn’t the 6-23 record that the University focused on,” insisted our sports insider,  “it was more an acknowledgment that rebuilding efforts take time.  A long time.  I mean, Rome wasn’t built in a day…more like, what, a decade, right?”
 
Fill The Steins attempted to verify this claim with the University History Department, but no response was received by press time.
 
The Woodward contract could also have a significant domino effect. Speculation around the NCAA is now that agents for Head Field Hockey Coach Josette Babineau would, by virtue of the team’s 11 wins in 2013-14, begin negotiations for an even richer deal.
 
Attempts to reach Mr. Woodward were unsuccessful, but Fill The Steins suspects the reaction would have been something like this…
 
When asked for comment, Fill The Steins sports contributor Brian MacLeod, whose January column called for Woodward to step down, simply noted:
 
“A Happy April Fools Day to all in Fill The Steins Nation!”
 
@matteegee
 
Disclaimer: The above is not real news.  But you’re an intelligent crowd – you already knew that.

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